You made me cry and you don't even care
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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