I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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