just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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