When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize