his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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