Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
