my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
