she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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