There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize