my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
