This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Drunk is not a location!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
