i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
