So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
