Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
