New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
