i think i have two assholes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
