i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
