I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
