Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
