I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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