I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
