So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize