If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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