u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
