why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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