There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The adults are the big ones right?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
