jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
