I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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