I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
