I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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