Your dad touched me again.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
