Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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