i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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