I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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