new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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