Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
