you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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