Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize