im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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