ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
BRING THE BAGELS
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
