I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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