Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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