i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
