I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
