1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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