When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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