You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
