if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
