recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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