New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
