Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
