I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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