I think my fart just growled at me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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