he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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