So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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