That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
