Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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