I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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