What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
