I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
