My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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