I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
