Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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