So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize