things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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