I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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