I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
