it wasn't lemon gatorade
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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