I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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