Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
