her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wear drunk well.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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